i had a dream about you out of the blue the night before last, then i woke up and looked at the date and honestly couldn’t believe my eyes. i thought it was insane how my body and subconscious mind could remember your birthday and remind me even in my sleep. it made me smile just a little because you would’ve loved that. i opted not to say anything to you. maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. i’m full of love for you, but maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.
how? how do people try to move forward and get better when they’re constantly surrounded by negativity and people that don’t want to see them succeed
i have such high expectations, but i always end up disappointed in the end. i literally tell people that my life motto is “expect nothing, and you’ll never be disappointed.” meanwhile, in the very depths of my heart, i care way too much and my expectations and hopes are through the roof. i think after a lifetime of self hatred, betrayal, and emotional neglect i crave a different emotion. i crave for things to get better. but i maintain the attitude that i expect nothing and need nothing from anyone. it’s a lie, but i maintain it nonetheless.
i’m exhausted from a lifetime of being on guard. i want to exhale and be allowed to be soft, safe, and secure. it feels like that may never happen. oh well.
i miss being 19, cozied up in my big room in my parents house, getting high and laying on the floor with my best friends every night. laughing about shit until ridiculous hours of the night. randomly deciding to take trips to our favorite 24 hr restaurants at 1am because why not….most of the time, none of us had any pressing responsibilities to cater to. i miss being that carefree.
i miss the person i used to be. i feel like i’ve lost a lot of my identity as i’ve gotten older. it feels like there are never enough hours in the day. i wanna curl up in my bed and read a book or listen to records or play video games for hours like i used to. having that time with myself was my peace and that peace feels like it was a lifetime ago. i’m so so nostalgic for the way things used to be. my heart aches for it. is this what getting older is? i hate it.
i hope you’re doing well
i think about you in waves and they drown me.
i miss you, but so what? it doesn’t change anything. it doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been treating me the same way every person i’ve ever had to listen to you be sad over treated you. it doesn’t change that you’ve bailed on me the last 3 times you were supposed to come and see me, one of which was my birthday, and only follow through with plans if i’m the one who goes to you. after the last time, i thought to myself, what if i don’t reach out at all? and look what happened. i haven’t seen you in almost a year.
so yeah, i miss you. but so what? what good does it do if you don’t seem to care at all? almost like a 14 year old friendship means nothing. at least, it didn’t/doesn’t mean enough for you to reach out or make any effort at all. accepting that truth hurt like hell, but it was acceptance nonetheless. i’ve reached the point in my life where i won’t put my heart into one sided relationships and have expectations of people only to be disappointed. so i’m done with all that.
